Confirmed Cases

Flu season is upon us! With the coming of November, doctors' offices have become flooded with patients complaining about all the same symptoms; these include stuffy nose, headache, and sore throat. But this season, one virus in particular has shocked the world, specifically because it has targeted a single demographic: Celebrity pigs.

More and more cases have been confirmed that celebrity pigs are coming down with a rare virus called the Norwich Flu. Originating from a small college campus in central Vermont, the Norwich Flu attacks the "mental immune system" and slowly destroys all common sense and reason. Some major symptoms are depression, lack of motivation, mood swings, doing stupid things in the middle of the day for no reason and, of course, vomit and diarrhea.

We tried to reach Piglet, a central character from the children's books "Winnie-the-Pooh," but he was unavailable for comment due to his declining health. Winnie himself spoke with us. "That poor little pig is inches from his life. Do you know what the smell of vomit and diarrhea does to a 10 by 10 foot cabin? Destroys it! And as far as depression goes, you think Eeyore was bad? Piglet makes Eeyore look like the circus."

Some major celebrities are speaking out against the Norwich Flu and are raising money to find a vaccine for the virus. Kermit the Frog spoke very candidly about the influence the virus has had on his own relationship. "Ever since Ms. Piggy has gotten the Jarhead Flu, she and I haven't, well, you know. I think she might be cheating on me with Big Bird. She beats me constantly with those massive pig arms, and screams at me when I'm trying to practice my monologues for the show. It's unbearable. But I'm sticking with her because I love her and I know the Norwich Flu has her head all messed up!"

Babe the Pig's third movie "Babe: Pig-me some Cancun," which was supposed to complete the trilogy of Babe the Pig movies, has shut down production due to the Norwich Flu. Babe was very upset. "I'm trying to sheep-dog 30 oiled-up bikini models in 100 degree weather, I can't even breathe. Not to mention I can't keep down any chow, and the bathroom situation, well, forget about it."

Wilbur, from the cult classic Charlotte's Web, has also been pulled from his sequel because of the Norwich Flu. Allegations from the director of the movie said that Wilbur's attitude had turned very negative and he was very hard to work with. Wilbur spoke with us: "I don't know if it was so much the Norwich Flu as it was Charlotte. I got news for you, Charlotte's a real (Beep). I'm supposed to be Some Grand Pig. Who cares about the spider?"

As of now there has been no cure found and the list of celebrity pigs who are ailing keeps growing longer with names like Porky Pig, all Three Little Pigs, Man-bear-pig and Beabop from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Scientists are furiously scurrying to find a cure.