Learning to share: Roommate drama

For Norwich University students, learning to live with a new roommate at the start of the year can be fraught with problems, according to the dean of students.

Anything from physical punches to yelling or the silent treatment can ensue, which is why Norwich has taken steps to reduce potential roommate conflict.

The Norwich housing form, which is used to place students with compatible roommates before they arrive, asks questions such as "what is your major; activities; extracurricular activities; are you an athlete, and are you a light sleeper," said Martha Mathis, dean of students.

Her office in Jackman Hall is a bustling metropolis of staff and student activity. When it comes to roommate issues, Mathis is available for assistance.

Iphagainia Tanguay, the residence life director and in charge of the housing form, said the form works if students fill it out completely and accurately.

Tanguay's office, on the second floor of the Wise Campus Center, is open for students who need assistance with roommate or housing issues, or those who want to know more about Norwich's housing policies.

"When we ask the student to a give a preference, they don't always fill it out completely, so I don't know what kind of music they like, I don't know when they like to sleep, or are they a light sleeper, those kinds of things," Tanguay said. "So then I'm forced to go by the information that I do know about them."

The other issue with the form, according to Tanguay, is that on occasion parents fill it out for their children without representing them accurately.

"Sometimes mom or dad will fill out the form and, based on their perceptions of their child, will fill that out (incorrectly). Their child could be a night owl and if that doesn't necessarily seem right to them they won't check ‘up late at night' (on the form)," Tanguay said.

According to some Norwich students, the form does not prevent incompatibility.

"In the last four years I've had maybe one good roommate," said Meagan Gallagher, 22, a senior communications major from Rome, N. Y.

"I've only had a successful roommate for one semester of school," said Emily Hayward, 20, a junior international studies major from Wells, Maine.

There are several reasons why roommates aren't compatible. Gender even plays a factor in roommate issues. "It's a cultural issue and seems to be more of a matter of social networking, which then causes more anxiousness with the ladies than with the guys," said secondary education and psychology professor Timothy Thurber.

"Females have more drama between them, especially with certain men, because if two roommates like the same guy, it's going to cause a lot of tension," Hayward said.

Hayward added, "Females are more cut-throat personality wise. They like to hurt each other more mentally than physically. A guy could just punch his roommate once and then they could be best friends, but females will play mind games."

In addition to gender, other issues exist. In Gallagher's experience sharing a space can lead to disagreements over things such as "cleanliness and boyfriend issues because of the different attitudes and what they (the roommates) care about."

According to students, roommate issues can also be caused when one student wants to be in control. "I had one roommate who was an only child who wanted everything her way, and if she didn't get her way she would throw a fit," Gallagher said.

In Gallagher's experience, "It's all how you're brought up" that affects how well roommates get along, and how roommates solve problems.

A relationship with a roommate can also turn sour. "If you think that your roommate is being untruthful to you in some way," Hayward said, "then that will really affect things."

Both Mathis and Tanguay agree that troubled face-to-face communication is the biggest issue roommates commonly experience, especially technology-savvy freshmen. "The roommates will Facebook each other or they will text each other and they can be in the same room doing that but they will not verbally communicate," Tanguay said.

Mathis said, "Texting, email and that sort of thing has complicated communication." Mathis said roommates and friends sometimes gang up online on the other roommate(s). "Now if you're on Facebook and your friends want to take your side (of the issue) it can mean ‘not only am I blasting you, but so are all of my friends'," Mathis said.

According to Norwich students, a simple issue can blow completely out of proportion to the point of danger to one of the roommates.

In one extreme case, "My roommate threatened to kill me because I lost my temper with her. I went to housing and told them about it and they moved me to my own room and had her live by herself," Gallagher said. She added that there was no action taken against her roommate by administration.

According to Mathis, the best way to solve problems is to be respectful, flexible and open-minded. "It's hard (to get along) if you're not flexible," Mathis said, "or if you have standards a new roommate may not have."

In addition, "try and set boundaries. If you're studying at a certain time you should tell (your roommates) that they need to be quiet or go to another friend's room," said Derek Mullen, a 21-year-old junior nursing major from Farmington, Conn.

According to Tanguay and Mathis, roommates can go to an authority figure, such as a resident advisor, if they can't to work out the issue without help.

According to Mathis, RAs are helpful because as a neutral party they offer solutions, new insight and support.

"The roommates go to them (the RAs) first before they come to me or Iphagainia," Mathis said. An RA's job is to help roommates come up with solutions to their problem, and if no solution is reached, then the RA sends the students to Mathis or Tanguay for help, according to Tanguay.

According to students who have sought RA help, one of the most effective solutions an RA can provide is to help the roommates set up a reasonable contract to minimize roommate issues.

Tanguay said the contract is a written agreement between roommates, such as ‘we agree to not steal each other's makeup.' The contract must be upheld or the issue will be taken to the residence life director who will determine the next step, according to Tanguay.

Not all Norwich students find RAs to be helpful. According to Gallagher, RAs are only moderately effective because if they fail to clearly see both sides of the issue, then they fail to help.

"I had a friend whose roommate threw a fit to her RA and dictated how my friend had to live in her own room. I don't think that the RA looked into the situation," Gallagher said. "She gave them a contract but it only made the situation worse."

The final solutions to roommate issues are to separate the roommates into other rooms or have one of them live off-campus. "If I meet with two students separately and I see that there's no reconciliation going to happen, and it's not healthy who they're living with, then I make the decision to move them," Tanguay said.

Many roommates get along. According to Carter Richardson, a 20-year-old sophomore game designer from East Montpelier, Vt., living with his roommate was easy, and even fun.

Richardson knew his roommate from high school, and said that everything went smoother because they knew each other first. "If you know someone before rooming with them then you know what to do," Richardson said, "and what not to do."